There are times when I feel completely alone. I have a wonderful husband and 3 beautiful kids. I have a few good friends, and plenty of acquaintances. But there are times when I feel like I have changed so much over the years that no one knows the real me. I have family who love me, but I'm not really close to any of them. At least not enough for me to be able bare my whole soul to them. At times, I don't even think I can do that with my husband. I'm constantly afraid that I'll be called selfish and immature and told to just suck it up and be a grown up instead of complaining. I know this is a typical phase to go through when you got married at 19 and had three kids by the time you were 28. I didn't get to go through the whole "wild and crazy younger days". I've had moments where I've been able to let go and feel like I had absolute freedom. But, those are few and far between.
One thing I miss (and it's hard to miss something you never really had) is a close bond with my siblings. I ache to be able to just call one of them up and tell them about my day, and have them do likewise. Hell, I'd love to be able to do that with my dad. Talking to my dad is like having a conversation with a plant. Not a lot of response. I know my dad loves me, he does all the things that a dad is supposed to do: he sends me cards, calls me on my birthday, buys gifts for my kids. But there's very little emotion. The most emotional I've ever seen my dad was my mom's funeral. He actually cried. I don't think I've ever seen him cry.
My parents divorced when I was very young, maybe 3 or 4. He remarried when I was 6. According to many family members, my step-mother didn't like the fact that my dad had "baggage" in the form of me. She was cordial to me (I was only 6 remember) but as soon as my sister, and then two brothers came, I became the proverbial red-headed stepchild. It was like she was trying to replace me with other kids in my dad's heart. I don't know if she figured that as soon as they had a family together, that he would think less of me. I don't think that was her intention and I don't think my dad ever consciously decided to do it, but it felt like it worked. My mother was single for most of that time, working more than 40 hours a week to support me, with what amounted to a crappy-ass child support payment every month that she would sometimes have to call and remind Dad to send. When she remarried when I was 7, he took it upon himself to lower the amount, because, well, she was married, and she had more income coming in every month now, didn't she? She never took him to court over it.
I spent every summer and every other Christmas with my dad. During the summer, I was able to do some pretty fun stuff: theater camps, music camps, swimming at the beach, spending hours at the library. My dad took off 1 week at the beginning and end of summer and we would go camping/boating as a family. That was the only time, aside from weekends, where I would spend more than a few hours at a time with my dad. Every morning we would commute the 45 minutes from his house to my grandparents' house, where I would spend the entire day. Once my siblings came along, they went to daycare, but more often than not, my grandparents would end up with 1 or all 3 of them.
I know this all sounds like mindless whining "Oh, poor pitiful me, look at what a horrible childhood I had!" I know in the grand scheme of things, my childhood could almost be considered idyllic. And I suppose that, if my mother were still alive, it wouldn't bother me so much. But, the fact is, she's not. She died. And he's the only parent I have left. I know it's probably wrong of me to sit here & bitch about my "absent father". And I'm probably a psychologist's Freudian wet dream with all my parental issues. And I'm more than positive that my history has in some respects affected my relationships with both my husband and my children. I'm not happy about it. I wish I could change it. But, I can't change him. The most pitiful part of all of this is, he doesn't even know that I feel this way. I'm too much of a coward to say anything to him.
We lived in one place for almost 5 years while the hubs was in the military. It was about a 4 hour drive from where he lived. He visited maybe twice. We've lived in our current, albeit MUCH farther away, location for almost 6 years. He hasn't visited once. And we've had 2 children since we moved here. I've come to accept that he's just not that interested in being a key part of my life, or his grandchildren's lives. The sad part is, my kids might be the only grandchildren he ever gets. I have a feeling that my siblings, my sister in particular, are NOT interested in having kids, at least not for another 10-15 years. So we're it. And half the time, I know it's actually my step-mom who's bought the card/gift that was sent. Which is hard for me to deal with because, while I know she cares about us, I can't help feeling like the only reason why she bothers is because it's expected of her.
LIfe was so much simpler when all we had to worry about were cooties.
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