Do I smell bad?

Friends.

I used to have them.

But, somewhere along the journey of marriage, 3 kids & moving cross country, they seem to have disappeared.

I have people I know pretty well, acquaintances, co-workers I get along with, classmates I see outside of the classroom and wave to.

But, friends? Not so much.

I can count on 1 hand the number of people I can say are my honest-to-goodness friends.

And none of them live in this state.

One I haven't seen since my mom's funeral, 2 years ago. The other I see once, maybe twice a year.

I suppose, if we had decided to stay in the po-dunk little town we went to high school in, like apparently everyone else we went to school with did, maybe I'd have some people to hang out with every once in awhile.

Normally this kind of shit doesn't bother me, because, well, I really have no life. I get up, I cook, I wipe butts, I clean, I go to bed. That's the gist of my day. But everyone once in awhile, I get a bug up my ass, something stuck in my craw, sand in my vagina, whatever phrase you want to use, and I get a tad bit pissed over the situation.

Like tonight. The hubs is out at a bar, with a co-worker. He's been gone for 4 hours. He'll likely be gone for another. Once again, I dealt with the end of dinner, and the whole bedtime routine with two extremely cranky children all by myself. He went out earlier this week, and did the same thing. He goes out every week for dinner & drinks with his geek buddies.

I have no one to go out with, no one to do anything with.

And this is not for lack of trying. But, something that I've come to notice about small towns is, once someone has a circle of friends, it seems almost impossible to break into it. We've lived here for almost 6 years. I've never had a girl's night out, my kids rarely are invited for playdates (although I have hosted quite a few), and the few people I can call the closest thing to a friend have almost NOTHING in common with me. They don't like the same music or movies, or they have completely different hobbies.

Not that I'm judgmental in any way. I'm open to pretty much everything. We're close friends with a couple who are baby-wearing, organic food buyin', compost makin', God-fearin' Conservative hippies. We're also close friends with a guy who is a gay Atheist. Like I said, completely not judgmental. It takes all kinds, and far be it for me say only certain types of people can be my friend.

Then, to add insult to the friend-less injury, I couldn't even find a damn friend to go with me to a concert in October.

Seriously??

I asked everyone I knew, no one was interest. It's not like I asked them to go to the opening of a porn movie. It's a damn concert. Are my interests and tastes THAT extreme that no one would even consider it? I was even willing to buy the damn ticket for them. The hubs was willing to go, but the ticket cost a hell of a lot less than a sitter for 6 hours, so we decided he would stay home and watch the kids.

The hubs has tried to help me. He's tried SO hard to help me. Trying to get me and the wives of his co-workers together, hoping that we'll be friends. I've tried, but nothing sticks. It doesn't help that I'm a 30-something college student, who is constantly surrounded by 18-23 year olds. Like they WANT a friend who has kids & a mortgage. No, they'd rather go out every weekend and get completely trashed like any good red-blooded American college student. I'm too old for the college kids, and too young for the wives of my husband's peers. I'm stuck in the damn middle. It sucks, big time.

I think the problem is, I'm not young & stupid enough to try and mold myself to whatever people want me to be. Yeah, I'm married and have kids, but I still listen to loud music. I can cook a mean chile verde and damn I make good zucchini bread, but I love video games (me & our RockBand have a standing engagement). I'm too old for the skinny jeans but not quite ready for the elastic waist polyester knit pants.

I'm in the no-man's land of womanhood.

What the hell???

Got word today that the daycare provider I've been using for the last year and a half no longer has room for my kid.

WTF???

Did I mention I start classes and work again on Monday? Pardon me while I go back to my padded room.

Conversations with Dora

Way back when, as a family, we decided that I would be a Stay At Home Mom, we did it because we thought it would be best for our kids (even though we only had 1 at the time). No child care to pay for, no commutes, no hurrying to get 2 adults and however many number of kids out the door at some ungodly hour. And I suppose all of that was true. Well, with the exception of the hurrying out the door part, as we were a 1 car family until only last year, meaning I still had to get a hubby & 3 kids in the car in the morning in order to drop him off at work.

One thing I really didn't consider was having adult conversations. I'm not talking salacious adult conversations, but having a discussion that didn't involve the mention of Blue, Dora, or Sesame Street. Or where a certain child's blocks are.

Or, god forbid, poop.

I consider myself an intelligent person. I'm no Mensa member, but I like to think I have an inquisitive mind and am able to keep myself abreast of current affairs. I've said before that I'm an insatiable reader. I have wasted too many days to count just sitting on my butt reading. Of course, there are certain topics I probably won't have a coherent opinion on...like physics. Or computer programming. But, if I were talking to someone who was interested in those topics, I would most likely pay enough attention to actually get something out of the conversation.

And while conversing with a 3 year old over the virtues of whether or not eating her carrots at dinner will actually keep her eyes 20/20 is fascinating, some days I just miss being able to talk to someone over age 10 and who's taller than 4 foot 8.

Where's my padded room?

I once read somewhere (actually multiple places, but whatever) that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result.

I wouldn't consider myself an insane person.

Although I do have my moments. Like being in the grocery store with two extremely cranky children and having the sudden urge to leave them in the cart while I run away.

But, unfortunately, most things that pertain to raising children can be considered insane.

Like potty training.

Oh, the potty training. The oldest was potty trained at 3. She actually did pretty well, with only a few accidents. I, of course, being the masochist that I am, forced her to go on many trips during the 1st six months after she was dry during the day. Including a 3 day, 2200 mile move from one side of the country to the other.

With the last two, I've been forced to potty train them virtually at the same time. Not that I didn't try to get the 5 year old potty trained before this. Oh, no. I've been trying on & off since the 3 year old was born. But, now that said 5 year old is going into Kindergarden, this needs to happen. Like yesterday. The 3 year old does pretty well. Most days she's dry all day, but I still put a pull-up on her at night.

Because it seems her bowels get too relaxed when she's sleeping and that just makes more of a mess for me. Yeah I know, I'm a wimp.

I have tried numerous different potty training techniques. The kid knows how to tell me when she needs to go, she just won't 95% of the time. She goes in waves. It's driving me up the wall. Most recently I've done the timer thing, where I set an alarm to go off every hour.

But this sounds more like I'm the one being trained, not the kid.

School starts in less than a month, and we're no closer to her being in underwear than we were 6 months ago. I'm at a loss, completely out of ideas, at the end of my rope, hit the bottom of the barrel. And all those other cliches.

But, because I don't want to be the only parent with a kid wearing both a bra and a pull-up, I'll keep chugging along.

Because I'm insane.

Comparisons

I always thought, before having children, that I would be above comparing any children I had to their peers. I had always hated it when it was done to me, and I didn't like doing it to myself.

But, that being said, I was a self-conscious teenager, so it inevitably happened.

After having our oldest, we didn't know many other people with small children. We had gotten married young, had a child young. Of the people we knew from high school, we were the only ones who'd had a kid. Her first year was relatively calm, even though she suffered from a lot of health issues, mainly ear infections.

As she got a little older, I started noticing differences. Mainly if the fact that, while she could babble incessantly, hearing actual, intelligible words from her was rare. By the time she was 2, she had been diagnosed with a major speech delay and she started therapy.

I didn't give it much thought, as I figured it was a temporary issue, and as she grew older, she speech would progress and she would be "normal".

I've since come to loathe that word.

We made a few friends in our military housing complex, including 1 family who had a little boy only 2 days younger than our oldest. By the time this kid was 2 years old, he was potty trained, could speak in full sentences, knew most of his letters, and all his colors. We were still trying to coax our daughter into saying "mommy" without resorting to food rewards.

Needless to say, the comparisons started. And not just with this kid. We went to church back then, and I was constantly bombarded by the fact that our child just wasn't on par with her peers. I tried not to let it get to me, but the fact that this was our first child, and even though I had no other basis for comparison other than these children, did not help matters.

Fast forward a few years. We're pregnant with our second child, another daughter. When she was born, I knew something was different. No one said anything to me about it, so I chalked it up to hormones and tried to let it go. Only, there WAS something different. She was diagnosed with Down syndrome when she was a newborn. Another blow to my quest for a "normal" child. I couldn't even stop myself from trying to compare her to her peers. It was pointless, but on the inside I still did. I knew that there were plenty of examples of adults with special needs who blew away expectations. The so-called "Superstars" of the developmentally delayed. I wished I could say that I knew our daughter would be like that, but to be honest (and that's the whole damn point of this thing) I knew that, considering our track record, it probably wouldn't happen.

When the oldest started school, I knew she was already delayed. I remember distinctly trying to force her to memorize the alphabet in the weeks before Kindergarden started. The only letter she could successfully identify was "X". Don't ask me why, that's the only one she knew. She knew how to write her name, although she though the "A" in her name was a "Q" when she would try to type it on the computer. By the time 2nd grade rolled around, she was getting help in the Resource Room and I was asking for an evaluation for a Learning Disability. She didn't have one, and I had to admit to myself that I had been hoping she would. Not because I wanted her to have another issue to deal with, but because it would have been some sort of answer. Now we had no other reason for the fact that she didn't seem to be able to read at grade level, and had other scholastic issues, so I was forced to internalize her faults as my own.

My fault, I didn't work with her enough, I didn't push her hard enough, I let her watch too much TV, I should have been trying to work with her from an earlier age.

Typical parental angst, I know.

Now, thankfully, she doesn't need to be in the Resource Room anymore; she's still in speech, has some social problems that we're working through, and we threw a wrench in the works by switching her schools last year. We put her in a summer day camp this summer to try & help her make some new friends. She did, which has been awesome. It's been a relief, a break from the near constant routine of her coming home from school over the past few years, nearly in tears, saying she had a really bad day because of a misunderstanding on her part over some elementary school social hierarchy. If someone didn't want to play with her constantly, she assumed they no longer wanted to be her friend.

Like I said, she had some social issues to work on.

She's made really good friends with one particular girl, who wasn't in her class this last year, but hopefully she will be this upcoming year. We invited said girl over a sleepover last weekend.

Needless to say, we kinda got our eyes opened to what level her peers are at. This little girl is reading young adult, multi-chapter books, by herself. She has the vocabulary of a kid about 2 years older than her. She is able to have a conversation with an adult that doesn't somehow revolve around a movie that she's comparing things to. She has a tutor, which I'm sure helps. But the intent is there. Our daughter doesn't seem to WANT to read, or learn, she just does it because it's expected of her.

I know my daughter is smart. She's an amazing artist, has a wry sense of humor, and is a fierce friend. I know all children don't learn the same way. She's definitely a visual learner. I know I shouldn't compare apples to oranges.

All this really goes back to my guilt. Maybe we shouldn't have had 3 kids, then maybe I would have had more time to focus on her needs. Maybe we shouldn't have moved so far away from family, so we could have some help, thus allowing more time to focus on her. Maybe I should quit college, and stop working (even though it's part-time) so I'll have more time and energy to focus on her. Maybe I should quit being so selfish and demanding I have "me time" and turn into the stereotypical "martyr mom", putting everyone else's needs/wants before any of mine.

Oh wait, I HAVE been doing that, for quite a while, and look where it got me.

Sure it sucks, to see my children have to struggle for things that it seems most other kids either have naturally or who are able to get after only a little bit of work. Hell, my 5 year old struggles with not dumping her plate of food all over the ground at nearly every meal. How the hell am I supposed to expect her to be potty trained and be able to recite her ABC's?

Every day I have to re-evaluate my definition of "normal", I have to rewrite my expectations, of my children and myself. My children are going to be who they will be, regardless of how much I worry and stress over it, so all I can do is just be the best mom I know how to be.

Of course, that's easier said than done.

Wait, no, I take that back

Hey, what did you hear me say

you know the difference it makes

what did you hear me say

Yes, I said it's fine before

But I don't think so no more

I said it's fine before

I've changed my mind

I take it back

Erase and rewind

'cause I've been changing my mind

Erase and rewind

'cause I've been changing my mind

I've changed my mind

So where did you see me go

it's not the right way, you know

where did you see me go

No, it's not that I don't know

I just don't want it to grow

It's not that I don't know

I've changed my mind

I take it back

Erase and rewind

'cause I've been changing my mind

Erase and rewind

I´ve changed my mind!

Erase-Rewind by The Cardigans

One thing that bugs me about being an adult (aside from the responsibility and bills and shit) is that we're constantly reminded to say what we mean and mean what we say. I know that sounds weird. I'm trying to think of a good way to put it...

We're not allowed to change our minds. Ever.

Once we decide something, we're expected to stick with it through thick & thin and all that crap. Well, what if I don't wanna? I suppose this could be applied to many aspects of life (and I'm going to put my 2 cents out there that this is the reason more than 50% of marriages don't last), but I'm not talking about that kind of stuff. I'm not re-thinking my marriage or my kids (although they're probably birth control for a LOT of our friends). I'm more than 10 years into this whole wife/mother thing. I'm selfish, but not THAT selfish.

I guess what I'm mostly talking about is my plans for my life, and more importantly, other people's plans for my life. Directly and indirectly. The biggest one is obviously my husband. After we got married, and he joined the military, I followed wherever he was, because I loved him, and he had a commitment to the US Government and he didn't want to end up in the brig for going AWOL. I forwent my post-high school plans of going to college and starting a career to be a stay at home to our daughter. It was in her best interest. We moved more than half-way across the country for my husband's post-military job. I continued to be a SAHM for our 2nd child. I supported my husband while he started college, all the while wishing I could do something for me.

I continued to sit there, waiting for a moment for me, while I lost my grandfather, and eventually my mother. I had hoped that I might be able to use some of the money my mother left for me to be able to go to college. But, due to other issues that still continue to elude me (not to mention my own cowardice at not stopping them) I haven't seen a penny of it. It's all locked up in a trust that I won't see any of until I turn 35 (FYI: that's not anytime close).

I guess the point of this is that I've never been able to make a decision for myself. Just once I would have liked to do something/go somewhere and have it be solely for me. I sometimes get the feeling that when I do things that might be considered "out of character" for me, I get the guilt trip. It's like, wait a minute, you're not supposed to be thinking/doing that. That's not like you, stop it.

I love my husband (although he annoys the shit out of me on a regular basis), I love my kids (ditto) but that doesn't mean all I want out of life is to be the dumpy SAHM who always has dinner ready by 5:30pm and cleans up after everyone. I know that's what I said I'd do when I decided not to work all those years ago, I know that's what I've BEEN doing for the last 10+ years, but I don't wanna do it anymore.

I want to learn new things, I want to travel to new places, and even places I've been before. I want to read interesting books, I want to learn to knit, I want to get more out of life than a basket full of clean laundry.

And I don't want to be made to feel guilty over it.

Kill me now

When our oldest was younger (and we only had her), we used to drive 10+ hours at least 3 times a year to visit family. It sucked, to be sure, because aside from being subject to puking if she was in the car longer than 2 hours (as were our other 2, seems it's genetic), she was also inclined to getting ear infections.

All.the.fucking.time.

Between the ages of 2 months to 2 years, this child had roughly 10 ear infections. She rarely went 1 month without being on some sort of antibiotic.

Needless to say, traveling long distances were hard on all of us. Effectively ruining any family car trips in the future. Not that we didn't end up all piling into the car hundreds of times in the ensuing years for long ass trips. We just assumed that it was going to suck and tried to plan accordingly.

We thought we had the whole "prepare for WWIII and then be grateful when it's only a leaky diaper on the side of freeway".

Then we had the last 2.

Oy.

These two children have forged a whole new meaning to "disastrous road trip". I've noted that they're 2 years apart, but with the middle one having special needs, it's really like having twins. They're so close in size that I get asked that all the fucking time. Family members add to this by buying them matching outfits, and of course, I dress them in said outfits on the same day more often than not. Not because I want them to be mistaken for twins, but for it's ease of identification for me, should one of them get lost.

And as the middle one has gotten lost on more than one occasion, I'm not about give up this practice, no matter how much I loathe it.

Anyhoo, back to my point. Car trips. With small children. In short, they suck ass.

The tween diva was at a friend's house for the night, so the hubs decided we needed to get out of the house and in the car for a short trip to a mall about an hour away. Why? Because we're masochists. That's why. He figured that the kids would be better maintained in their car seats, listening to music and being lulled to sleep so we could have a nice peaceful drive.

I think I've mentioned how often we lie to ourselves, right?

I have to say, the trip down there went relatively well. Hubs doesn't allow food/drinks in the hands of humans younger than we are in his truck, so they were behaving fairly well since they weren't being pacified by snacks. They each took a small nap and we figured they would be well rested by the time we got there.

You'd think, as there were two of us, and two of them, that maintaining them would have been a relatively easy task. Yeah, right. Trying to get these two to go anywhere they don't wanna is like wrestling monkeys covered in grease into a shoebox. No joke, as soon as we released them from their straightjackets (aka car seats), one of them ran directly towards an on-coming car, and the other threw themselves on the ground because apparently I was NOT the parent they wanted to be with.

And this was all before we got into the fucking mall.

I was honestly prepared to call it a day and get back in the damn truck. But, hubs wanted to try & salvage a decent family trip out of it. And, I have to admit, once we got inside, we had a fairly nice time. The girls had a fun time trying to con us into buying every book/toy/snack they saw, but we were able to con them into being happy with a cookie and some milk. Although we almost came to blows over the entire collection of "Backyardigans" stuffed toys that they threw fits over asked us politely for.

Have I mentioned we're potty training them both at the same time? Why yes, we ARE insane, thanks for asking! :D So, of course, a trip to the "Family bathroom" was in order at least once. We aren't completely stupid, and had put both of them in pull-ups before the trip. One was wet, the other wasn't, they both peed. While I was wiping one of them on the toilet, hubs was washing the other's hands, after which he was putting things back into the diaper bag, and the child with the freshly clean hands decided to play in the pool of nasty ass water in the middle of the bathroom. When I jumped to stop her, the kid on the potty decided to unroll half of the toilet paper onto the floor, which has now become a wet lumpy mess due to the water on the floor. We walked out of the bathroom, and I asked myself Why the hell don't malls sell alcohol?

By the time we got a late lunch, they were beyond tired and slowly coming apart at the seams. We had one more fit over who would sit in which car seat, which unfortunately continued until we were 10 miles down the road. I think they both fell asleep within 25 minutes, allowing the hubs and I to finally relax, just in time to pull into the driveway and have them both wake up.

At least no one puked right?