Hey, what did you hear me say
you know the difference it makes
what did you hear me say
Yes, I said it's fine before
But I don't think so no more
I said it's fine before
I've changed my mind
I take it back
Erase and rewind
'cause I've been changing my mind
Erase and rewind
'cause I've been changing my mind
I've changed my mind
So where did you see me go
it's not the right way, you know
where did you see me go
No, it's not that I don't know
I just don't want it to grow
It's not that I don't know
I've changed my mind
I take it back
Erase and rewind
'cause I've been changing my mind
Erase and rewind
I´ve changed my mind!
Erase-Rewind by The Cardigans
One thing that bugs me about being an adult (aside from the responsibility and bills and shit) is that we're constantly reminded to say what we mean and mean what we say. I know that sounds weird. I'm trying to think of a good way to put it...
We're not allowed to change our minds. Ever.
Once we decide something, we're expected to stick with it through thick & thin and all that crap. Well, what if I don't wanna? I suppose this could be applied to many aspects of life (and I'm going to put my 2 cents out there that this is the reason more than 50% of marriages don't last), but I'm not talking about that kind of stuff. I'm not re-thinking my marriage or my kids (although they're probably birth control for a LOT of our friends). I'm more than 10 years into this whole wife/mother thing. I'm selfish, but not THAT selfish.
I guess what I'm mostly talking about is my plans for my life, and more importantly, other people's plans for my life. Directly and indirectly. The biggest one is obviously my husband. After we got married, and he joined the military, I followed wherever he was, because I loved him, and he had a commitment to the US Government and he didn't want to end up in the brig for going AWOL. I forwent my post-high school plans of going to college and starting a career to be a stay at home to our daughter. It was in her best interest. We moved more than half-way across the country for my husband's post-military job. I continued to be a SAHM for our 2nd child. I supported my husband while he started college, all the while wishing I could do something for me.
I continued to sit there, waiting for a moment for me, while I lost my grandfather, and eventually my mother. I had hoped that I might be able to use some of the money my mother left for me to be able to go to college. But, due to other issues that still continue to elude me (not to mention my own cowardice at not stopping them) I haven't seen a penny of it. It's all locked up in a trust that I won't see any of until I turn 35 (FYI: that's not anytime close).
I guess the point of this is that I've never been able to make a decision for myself. Just once I would have liked to do something/go somewhere and have it be solely for me. I sometimes get the feeling that when I do things that might be considered "out of character" for me, I get the guilt trip. It's like, wait a minute, you're not supposed to be thinking/doing that. That's not like you, stop it.
I love my husband (although he annoys the shit out of me on a regular basis), I love my kids (ditto) but that doesn't mean all I want out of life is to be the dumpy SAHM who always has dinner ready by 5:30pm and cleans up after everyone. I know that's what I said I'd do when I decided not to work all those years ago, I know that's what I've BEEN doing for the last 10+ years, but I don't wanna do it anymore.
I want to learn new things, I want to travel to new places, and even places I've been before. I want to read interesting books, I want to learn to knit, I want to get more out of life than a basket full of clean laundry.
And I don't want to be made to feel guilty over it.
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