Wait, no, I take that back

Hey, what did you hear me say

you know the difference it makes

what did you hear me say

Yes, I said it's fine before

But I don't think so no more

I said it's fine before

I've changed my mind

I take it back

Erase and rewind

'cause I've been changing my mind

Erase and rewind

'cause I've been changing my mind

I've changed my mind

So where did you see me go

it's not the right way, you know

where did you see me go

No, it's not that I don't know

I just don't want it to grow

It's not that I don't know

I've changed my mind

I take it back

Erase and rewind

'cause I've been changing my mind

Erase and rewind

I´ve changed my mind!

Erase-Rewind by The Cardigans

One thing that bugs me about being an adult (aside from the responsibility and bills and shit) is that we're constantly reminded to say what we mean and mean what we say. I know that sounds weird. I'm trying to think of a good way to put it...

We're not allowed to change our minds. Ever.

Once we decide something, we're expected to stick with it through thick & thin and all that crap. Well, what if I don't wanna? I suppose this could be applied to many aspects of life (and I'm going to put my 2 cents out there that this is the reason more than 50% of marriages don't last), but I'm not talking about that kind of stuff. I'm not re-thinking my marriage or my kids (although they're probably birth control for a LOT of our friends). I'm more than 10 years into this whole wife/mother thing. I'm selfish, but not THAT selfish.

I guess what I'm mostly talking about is my plans for my life, and more importantly, other people's plans for my life. Directly and indirectly. The biggest one is obviously my husband. After we got married, and he joined the military, I followed wherever he was, because I loved him, and he had a commitment to the US Government and he didn't want to end up in the brig for going AWOL. I forwent my post-high school plans of going to college and starting a career to be a stay at home to our daughter. It was in her best interest. We moved more than half-way across the country for my husband's post-military job. I continued to be a SAHM for our 2nd child. I supported my husband while he started college, all the while wishing I could do something for me.

I continued to sit there, waiting for a moment for me, while I lost my grandfather, and eventually my mother. I had hoped that I might be able to use some of the money my mother left for me to be able to go to college. But, due to other issues that still continue to elude me (not to mention my own cowardice at not stopping them) I haven't seen a penny of it. It's all locked up in a trust that I won't see any of until I turn 35 (FYI: that's not anytime close).

I guess the point of this is that I've never been able to make a decision for myself. Just once I would have liked to do something/go somewhere and have it be solely for me. I sometimes get the feeling that when I do things that might be considered "out of character" for me, I get the guilt trip. It's like, wait a minute, you're not supposed to be thinking/doing that. That's not like you, stop it.

I love my husband (although he annoys the shit out of me on a regular basis), I love my kids (ditto) but that doesn't mean all I want out of life is to be the dumpy SAHM who always has dinner ready by 5:30pm and cleans up after everyone. I know that's what I said I'd do when I decided not to work all those years ago, I know that's what I've BEEN doing for the last 10+ years, but I don't wanna do it anymore.

I want to learn new things, I want to travel to new places, and even places I've been before. I want to read interesting books, I want to learn to knit, I want to get more out of life than a basket full of clean laundry.

And I don't want to be made to feel guilty over it.

Wonder what my theme song is?

I miss the days when I could legitimately lay in bed all day and not have to worry about little children running amok or housework or any other responsibilities. I miss laying in my twin bed in my mom's house, on a warm early fall day, with the sun peeking through the blinds. Sleeping the day away. It was made even sweeter when I skipped school to do nothing but lay around all day.

My life is too complicated now. Too many things on the "To-do list'", too many little hands needing cleaning, too many butts to wipe, too many mouths to feed. My husband wonders why I constantly have my earbuds on. It's my escape. It allows me to have a few minutes (or hours) of time I can pretend my name isn't constantly being called.

Or at least to pretend I don't hear it.

It helps me think and decompress. I'm beginning to think that music is my salvation. I've always been a musical person. I played 2 instruments growing up, I sang in church and school, I tried to teach myself piano (and I still remember the very 1st song I ever learned). My taste in music is pretty vast. With the exception of hardcore rap, I listen to almost everything. My playlist is almost comical. Garth Brooks right before Nine Inch Nails; Claire du Lune after Eminem. I would rather listen to music than talk or watch movies. My idea of heaven is reading a good book with my earbuds in, completely engrossed in the story.

I probably spend way more time than I should doing just that: reading and listening to music. If you don't already do, get a free Pandora account.

Best. Thing. Ever.

I don't what sort of hoodoo, voodoo magic programming leprechauns they have working for them, but they rock. Pandora app on the iPhone beats iTunes any day. Only thing I wish they'd fix was the inability to do ANYTHING else when listening. You can't go back to the home screen, it'll shut the program down. So, when you're listening on your phone, you can't do anything else. Which, while I'm doing the dishes or folding laundry is fine. But, not when I'm actually trying to do anything on my phone and listen to decent music at the same time.

My favorite bands at the moment:

Muse

Paramore

Flyleaf

Fireflight

Cartel

Check out: "Teardrop" by Massive Attack. Apparently it's the theme song to "House", which I don't watch, but they've got good taste. Fucking awesome.